Sugar Plum Fairies

Last night we enjoyed a performance of the Nutcracker at the Winspear Opera House in Dallas. The Dallas Arts District was filled with holiday lights, horse drawn carriages, performers, and people. The sights and sounds were beautiful. Our family has always enjoyed the arts- symphony, art museums, musical theater, and concerts featuring just about any genre of music. The ballet has never really been a part of our lives. Then Sasha came along.

Dan and I enjoyed our first ballet performance in St. Petersburg, Russia with Sasha. We took her to the Mariinsky (Kirov) theater. A little Ballet 101, to go to the Mariinsky Theater for a ballet is like seeing a theater production on Broadway in New York. Winspear isn't the Mariinsky, but it was certainly beautiful and this time we were able to take Beth for her first ballet experience.

While I don't see us going to The Nutcracker every single year, I am sure we will definitely see it again and again in the future. Honestly, Sasha's favorite part of the night was just going out. She and Beth are exactly alike in this way. They love to dress up and go out like this. Both girls were sporting new holiday dresses and high heels that they had purchased just for the occasion. They were beautiful last night- two Sugar Plum Fairies.

We've had several conversations lately with Sasha about how she misses Russia. Attending events like this I believe will really help. Russia, particularly St. Petersburg, loves art, culture, and architecture. Sasha commented last night about the Dallas skyline and lights. Her comment? "You have some pretty buildings here. Is not Russia. Is not old, but is pretty too. It's okay. I like."

Well okay, I'll take that. :)

Pixie Dust

We took Sasha to Disney World end of October. We are a Disney family and it was great to share it with Sasha. Dan and I have so many great memories of Disney vacations with the kids and now we have those same memories with Sasha.

 As you can see, we were there over Halloween. Mickey's Not So Scary Trick Or Treat is certainly the biggest Halloween party I've ever been to. I guess you could call us the Empire Family. Dan was Caesar, I was a Greek Goddess, and Sasha was Cleopatra.

 They don't celebrate Halloween in Russia but Sasha had heard of it. She was totally excited and thought Trick or Treating was the greatest thing ever.

For those of you who know Dan personally, you are in total shock that he dressed up. We've been married 23 years and started dating when we were 17 and 18 years old and I have NEVER known him to dress up. Sasha looked so disappointed when he told her he doesn't dress up that he couldn't stand it and totally caved.

I've always known that Disney was a magical place, but for us this was a beyond magical trip in many ways. Was it because we were away from our normal surroundings? Was it because we were able to let go of the stress of every day normal life? Was it Pixie dust? Whatever it was, Sasha relaxed in a way we have not seen before. She really let her guard and defenses down and let us in like never before.

There was one day that we had quite a blow up with Sasha. This is pretty normal. We have at least one major blow up a week. Hey, you don't adopt a 13 year old international child and not have at least a weekly blow up. But this time was really different. We sat her down and she really listened to us in a way she had never listened before. The next day we were walking out to catch a bus and out of the blue Sasha said to me, "Mom, I think that 5-6 years in the orphanage were not good for me." She then explained that she believes she learned survival techniques and behaviors and reactions that might have seemed to help her survive in the orphanage, but they just don't seem to work in a family. Uh...okay...WOW!! I nearly passed out on the pavement. She gets it. In fact, she doesn't just get it, she really gets it. She is processing some things on a really deep level.

So now that we're home from vacation, the past two weeks have been absolutely perfect, yes? Umm no. We've had more blow ups, one was the worst yet, but I can point back to that moment in Disney and rest at least a little knowing that she is truly processing her new life and new family.

Pixie dust? I don't think so. No, I'm pretty sure that only the Holy Spirit is capable of that kind of magic. :)

Privacy Please

It was five months ago today that we took custody of Sasha in St. Petersburg, Russia. Hard to believe. Things are going pretty well and we're making a lot of great memories.

Fireworks on the Fouth of July

Ready for a friend's 70s party. I had to explain what a hippie was.

So far I only have one major complaint and it not about Sasha. It's about other people, mostly strangers and acquaintances. Let me try to explain.

I have never had anyone who I have just met or am only acquainted with ask me personal, probing questions about my biological children. No one who just met Beth and I or who are only acquainted with us would ever ask me if Beth was ever abused. Was I ever an alcoholic, drug addict, prostitute? You don't just meet someone and start questioning them about their personal history. Good grief. Yet this is what I constantly encounter. People who I am only mildly acquainted with have a nasty habit of point blank asking me what happened to Sasha's Russian parents. Did they die? Why was she in the orphanage? Was she abused? Were her parents alcoholics, drug addicts? Was her mother a prostitute? Dan and I were warned in our adoption training that this would happen. We carefully rehearsed what we would say in these scenarios and yet, I find myself dumbfounded every time it happens. I guess I'm just shocked that anyone would think it appropriate to ask me these questions. What's worse is that more than once people have asked these questions right in front of Sasha. Get real. Grow a brain.

So how do I answer these questions? My tactful response is that we don't discuss Sasha's personal history with anyone outside of our immediate family.  This shuts it down and I quickly change the subject. I dream of some day having the guts to say "nunya- nunya business." Wouldn't that be fun?

So there you have it. My rant for the day.

Letting Go

Grow up. That's what your kids do. They grow up- and then they leave. They leave and there you are left with this jumbled up bunch of emotions wondering how to sort through them all. I currently find myself sorting through a jumbled up bunch of emotions regarding Beth.

Beth was a freshman last year at Stephen F Austin University in Nacogdoches, Texas. Although she thoroughly loved her time there and loved being an art major, she knew that was not what God really had for her future. She came home and spent the summer with her new sister, Sasha and headed off again in August. This year she has started over as a freshman at Christ For the Nations Institute in Dallas. Last year she was four hours away. This year she is only one hour away but it feels strangely different. So what is different? What has changed? She really left this time. I can't really explain it any differently than that. I helped her move into her apartment on campus and when I drove away there was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that said, "It will never be the same. She is on her own now." Don't get me wrong. This is a good thing. If it doesn't happen then there is definitely something wrong with both you and your child. But try as you will, you can never be quite ready for it.

I feel very blessed that the jumbled emotions are mine and around me, not about Beth or her ability to face life on her own. I know she is ready and, most importantly, she knows God. I've spent the morning reading about Moses and his relationship with God. Exodus 33 says,  (v11)"Inside the Tent of Meeting, the Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend." (v14)The Lord replied, "I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest- everything will be fine for you." (17)The Lord replied to Moses, "I will indeed do what you have asked, for I look favorably on you, and I know you by name."

Beth may not be Moses, but I know that she has this kind of relationship with God and I know that he knows her name. And this is where the deep sense of peace settles in for me. I don't have to worry that I can't be there for her. She doesn't need me like that anymore because she has infinitely more in her relationship with God. She knows how to seek him. She knows how to hear his voice. And she knows how to step out in blind faith. She knows because that is what we have taught her and she has been an excellent student. Sigh. Good feeling. Well, that was a nice 15 minute rest. Now back to the "Classroom of Life" with the younger student!

Ketchup

Wow! I can't believe it's been three months since I last blogged. I have really missed it. So why have I waited so long to blog again? I kept waiting because I didn't know where to draw the boundaries. Once we had Sasha home it seemed to become all about Sasha. But how much about Sasha is it okay for me to share online for the whole world to read? I struggled with this for a long time. My recent conclusion is that it's not about Sasha after all. It's really about me, and that doesn't just pertain to blogging.

After nearly 21 years of parenting I have come to realize that I basically have two choices when it comes to parenting. I can try really hard to control my children, or I can focus on staying in control of me. I can either focus most of my attention and energy on their behavior and choices, or I can take a deep breath and focus most of my attention on my reaction. I think I've spent most of my life as a mother convinced that God gave me these kids to raise and it is my responsibility to make sure that they turn out to be good people, good Christians, good citizens, good employees, good spouses and parents some day, blah blah blah... Sure, it's important that my kids learn to be all of those things, but what about me? Maybe, just maybe God is also using these kids to teach me something as well. And maybe, just maybe my kids learn infinitely more from watching me walk out what God is trying to teach me than I could ever have imagined.

Ketchup. Yes, ketchup is what really first turned the light bulb on for me. Let me explain. Sasha and I were traveling just the two of us to visit my parents. It is a 5 hour car trip. Please understand that even if we are driving 5 minutes to the Target store Sasha will ask "how many minutes?" So you can imagine the state of my patience 3 hours into our trip. She was hungry and we needed to make a restroom stop anyway, so I pulled into a McDonalds. Sasha decided on a cheeseburger, fries, and orange Fanta. I should have known better, I really should have, but patience worn thin I made a fatal error in judgement upon receiving our food order. You see, the clerk did not put any ketchup packets in our bag. Sasha saw that they had little white paper cups that you could squirt ketchup into at the drink dispenser. I know, I know- stupid. But looking at the long line of people still ordering it seemed harmless at the time and so- fatal error- I said yes. We get in the car and Sasha puts the paper cup of ketchup on the dash so she can buckle her seat belt. I, not noticing the paper cup on the dash, take off and the now airborn ketchup lands on Sasha's seat. My first thought was one of anger and frustration until, (by the grace of God before I said anything,) I looked at Sasha's face. There was fear in her eyes. I had only been her mother for about 12 weeks. She wasn't really sure what to expect. She was afraid.

So here's the deal. Should she have set the paper cup on the dash? At 14 years old should she have known better? Under normal circumstances, yes I suppose she should have known better. But who let her have the paper cup of ketchup in the first place? Me. I did it. And the reality is that Sasha has traveled very little in a car in her lifetime. You don't drive around in St Petersburg, Russia unless you absolutely have to. You take the subway. So what happened next?

Well, I closed my eyes for just a second and took a deep breath. I calmly got out of the car and walked around to her side, opened the door, and helped her wipe it up. She kept saying over and over, "Mama, I so sorry. Mama, so sorry." It really broke my heart. I told her it was just ketchup and that I love her more than I love a clean car. I also told her that she would have to help me clean the ketchup stain off of the seat later. Then we took off down the road and had a good talk about what you can and cannot eat in a moving car and why. (By the way, due to my bad judgement, it was a good refresher course for me as well.) She wanted to know why I didn't yell at her. Then she wanted to know why I have never yelled at her for anything. And that is when the light bulb really came on for me.

I for sure used to be a yeller. I wish I could go back and undo all of the yelling I did at Beth and Alex. I don't yell anymore, I haven't for a long time. I'm not really sure when God broke me of that, but I'm glad he did. Sasha and I talked about yelling and why I don't yell at her. She opened up and shared a huge portion of her past and hurt with me and we bonded on a whole new level that day. I still haven't cleaned that ketchup stain off of my seat. It just too good of a reminder for right now.

So yeah, I could have focused on her and how a 14 year old "should" know better. I could have given her a stern talking to. I could have even yelled at her. But I'm just guessing she learned a whole lot more from my calm reaction than she would have if I had exploded at her. So you see, it really is more about me. So I'll keep blogging- about me that is. :)

Lost In Translation?

After having Sasha home now for nearly two weeks, what is the number one question that I hear? You may have already guessed it. "So, how do you communicate if she doesn't speak English?" I'll admit I was really worried about how we would communicate, but I'm learning that talking can sometimes be overrated.

Talking is easy. As a parent, it's often the easy way out for me. You know what I'm talking about- nag, nag, nag, blah, blah, blah. Give me a couple of seconds and I'm easily in lecture mode. With Sasha I am being forced to develop new muscles. I have to really think through what I communicate and how I communicate it.

I really found myself thinking about this as I read John 14:1-14 earlier this week. In verse 11 Jesus says, "Just believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me. Or at least believe because of the work you have seen me do." Believe. The disciples can believe because they have experienced the very character of the Father through Jesus. They have been with him so much and are so close to him that they know who he is and they can believe in their experience. Jesus follows this by saying that if they cannot accept believing in their experience, then at least believe in what they have seen him do.

One proof is experiencing him. Another lesser proof is what they see- his actions. Amazingly, what they hear Jesus say is not even mentioned. He is not asking them to follow him because of what he says. This is very comforting to me because what I say to Sasha right now doesn't count for much. She cannot believe in something that she cannot understand. Sasha sees what I do. My actions do count, but this passage implies that what she experiences when she is with me is what really matters. When she experiences me, does she experience the Father? That is the question. That is all that really matters.

Words are cheap. Actions are important, but watching is done from a distance. Experiencing someone is intimate and touches the very heart of a person. I want Sasha to experience the Father through me the same way the disciples experienced him through Jesus. This means that I have to experience the Father myself. I cannot pass something on to her that I do not have myself.

All that being said, I look forward to the day that Sasha is fluent in English and we can have long, meaningful conversations with each other. But until then, I'm leaning in and learning new parenting and communication skills. Hey, does anyone know the Russian word for.................

More Mixed Nuts- Well Wishers and Naysayers

Well, we're home and settling in. Sasha has unpacked her things and put them away. She loves our dog Jazz and he is thrilled because she throws the ball to him more often than the rest of us combined. Beth loves having a little sister. She showed Sasha how to use the hair straightener and takes her out for ice cream.

Josiah loves having a little sister as well. He plays wii with her and tickles her until she nearly wets her pants. His face in this picture as he looks at her says it all.

Sasha loves that her two closest friends from Russia also live in the area. They were there to greet her at the airport. She has already spent several hours talking to them on the phone. We can already see that we will have to switch cell phone plans to one with more minutes. :)

Texas summers are definitely NOT Russian summers. We spent our second day at Grandma's house in their neighborhood pool. Sasha loves to swim, most likely because of the heat here. Grandma and Grandpa don't mind. Any excuse to have her over is good with them.

Our homecoming was a great experience. Thank you to everyone who made it so special. There was an army of well-wishers at the airport. A group of people from church came and cleaned our house and stocked our pantry. AMAZING! And thank you Courtney Horvath for taking the amazing photos of our homecoming at the airport. I will cherish them and I'm sure Sasha will also.

Our adoption agency, Buckner, asked our permission to have a television crew at the airport when we arrived. Channel 11 from Dallas was there to record our arrival and interview us. You can find the video at this link http://dfw.cbslocal.com/2011/05/27/wylie-family-brings-home-adopted-russian-teen/

On the Channel 11 website, there is an area below the video where people can leave comments about the stories. I guess I'm not completely surprised by the negative comments people made about us. International adoption is a touchy subject everywhere. When we are in Russia we hear angry Russians telling us that we shouldn't be taking Russian children from their culture. When we are in America we hear angry Americans telling us that we should adopt American children in the foster system instead of going overseas. There is a common factor in both groups. Those in Russia who do not like us would never dream of adopting a Russian orphan in an effort to keep them in their native culture. And those in America who think we should only adopt American children would never dream of adopting or fostering an American child themselves. The global orphan crisis is just that- global.

So, am I upset at the angry naysayers? Nope. Not in the least. I am actually quite excited about it. Nothing gives me a bigger high than to poke a stick into a hornets nest and then watch what happens. I figure that if the world is angry at what I am doing then I must be smack in the middle of God's will. Check it out.
1John 3:13- So don't be surprised, dear brothers and sisters, if the world hates you.
1Peter 3:16-17- Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong!

So let them rant, let them murmur, let them stare. I will joyfully keep doing what I know Christ would do.