Trust Your Husband

Job security. Not many people have it. Though Dan and I have walked through many tragedies and hardships, losing a job was not something we had ever had to deal with. Dan began his career with Texas Instruments right out of college and remained there for 21 years- that is until June of this year. On Monday after Father's Day Dan left his career of 21 years and stepped into a sabbatical from corporate America.
The last several months have been a time of discovery and rest for him. But as we entered the month of October, we knew that God was ready to start focusing us and pointing us toward what He has next. I use the word "Us" because that is how we've approached this. That's how we approach everything as a couple. As a result, I found myself completely caught off guard at what God said to me. A few weeks ago, Dan took me out on a wonderful date. After dinner, we sat together next to a lovely fountain of water and talked for a long time. As Dan was sharing his heart with me I very clearly heard God say, "I don't want you to ask me for direction or vision any more. I simply want you to pray for Dan. I'll give direction and vision to him. When you hear from him, you will hear from me. You can trust him."
Um, okay- or maybe not. Wouldn't it be better if God spoke to both of us? That way I could confirm for Dan that he is indeed hearing from God. Sounds like a great argument, but in the end I knew I wasn't convincing God of anything. My reasoning wasn't driven by wisdom, it was driven by fear. Dan needs to hear from God himself. He doesn't need me to convince him that he's heard God. As for me, I'm being asked to stretch my trust muscles. I wrestled with this for a couple of weeks and then God, being the gentle and loving Dad that He is, reminded me that Dan has a stellar track record. He walked me through all the times in our 23 years of marriage that Dan heard His voice. There were several instances where I doubted at first but relented and followed Dan. There isn't a single instance I can think of where I was sorry that I trusted Dan and followed him.
So does this mean I'm trusting a man instead of God? The answer is a resounding NO. The only reason I can trust Dan is because I know that he trusts God. I can trust Dan because I know who he trusts.

"I Don't Believe In God."

"I don't believe in God." That was the result of our first spiritual conversation with Sasha when we brought her home in May of 2011. Here I was, the worship pastor of a Christian church, and I just adopted a teenager who doesn't even believe in God. Thanks God. No pressure. Well, at least she was honest.
It's been quite a journey- a quiet journey. What do I mean by quiet? I mean we really haven't said much. Keeping my mouth shut has been the hardest part. We've had countless deep, meaningful conversations with Sasha in the past year, but very few of them about God.
When Sasha told us she didn't believe in God, we responded by telling her that was fine. She was free to believe whatever she wanted. A deal was struck. We would sit through her gymnastics class for an hour each week to support her. In return, she would sit through a church service for an hour each week to support me. It also helped when we pointed out she could make friends at church. In closing the conversation, I challenged her to ask God to prove to her that he is real.  And that's pretty much where we left it.
A question here, a question there. Worship music. Could I download some songs to her iPod? Why yes, yes I can. Youth Group. Would I drive her to youth group? Why yes, yes I can. A deeper question here, a deeper question there. Over the spring there were questions such as, "How do you hear God's voice?" "How do you pray?" And then came summer and youth camp.
Now, a normal person might just simply ask God to reveal himself to them. But not Sasha. She had literally drawn a line in the sand and dared him to cross it. Her fists were up and she was ready for a fight. But she arrived home from camp to tell us that she heard God's voice for the first time. She was deeply moved and clearly shaken- in a good way. She also said she worshiped for the first time in the services because she now knows that God is real.
Last weekend we took her to a Night Of Worship at Christ For the Nations in Dallas. We weren't sure what her reaction would be. She clapped and sang along with the first couple of songs. Then the band started to play a song titled "Great I Am." Sasha leaned over and said, "Ooh, this is my favorite song." She closed her eyes, bowed her head, and lifted her hands in worship. And me? Well, I melted into a puddle of tears on the floor.
I'm glad I kept my mouth shut and let God do his thing in his time. 

You Know Me

I have many "favorite" verses in the Bible but this is definitely one of them.

The Lord replied to Moses, "I will indeed do what you have asked, for I look favorably on you, and I know you by name."- Exodus 33:17

It's where God says he knows Moses by name that really gets me. I love that. I love the thought of being on a first-name-basis with God.

Although I spend time with God each day, I did not have a nice size chunk of time carved out in my week to really process, listen to his voice, and journal my thoughts and feelings and what I felt he was saying to me. That's always an important thing to have, but it's especially important in this season of my life. My husband Dan is currently going through a major career change. He has taken a sabbatical from corporate America to seek God for direction for the next season of his life. Will we move? Will we stay? Will God have something new for me in this season as well? It's all very unsettling and can become overwhelming to me if I allow it. And so I carved out the needed space to decompress and process.

I didn't expect much out of the first night of carved space. I thought I'd be happy if I just had some quiet time to myself to think.  So there I was with my iPod, journal and pen. I listened to a favorite song and then turned my iPod off. I sat there in the quiet for a few moments and out of nowhere I heard him- such a sweet voice. "Kerri, I know you don't know where you're going. And I know you don't know what you'll be doing. But you do know me. You know me well enough to know that you can trust me." 

Well, that's enough for me. He knows my name. He even confirmed that I know him. I know him well enough to really trust him. I just needed that reassurance that I do know him and am capable of hearing his voice. I needed to be be reminded that he's walking this out with me.

The Bride

A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege of attending the wedding of a very special young bride named Jill. It was a bitter sweet experience for Dan and I. You see, Jill had once been the "girlfriend" of our son Alex. He was 12, she was 11. I'm not sure what it really means to be boyfriend and girlfriend when you're 11 and 12 years old but, whatever it means, that is what they were. Alex died in a tragic ski accident over Christmas break that year. Jill was his "girlfriend" at the time and it left her with a broken heart to say the least.
We've watched Jill grow into a beautiful young woman over the years. I knew she would grow up and get married one day, and yet, it caught me off guard. The wedding invitation arrived in the mail. I stood there holding it in a bit of shock and disbelief. When did she grow up? She's getting married? To someone else?
Alex died at 12, therefore, Alex is eternally 12 years old in our memory. It felt a bit like Jill was getting married at 12 years old- an odd feeling. And although I know it's highly unlikely that Alex would have ever married Jill even if he had lived, it was still a bit unsettling. It's unsettling because it just proves again that life goes on. Her life goes on and his does not. She got to walk down the aisle and into her future. He will never walk down the aisle and I will never share that joy with him. That's a hard pill for a mom to swallow.
I will say that once I was able to wrap my mind around the fact that Jill is not 12 and is not marrying Alex, I had a wonderful time celebrating her wedding day. Such a beautiful bride, Jill will be a wonderful wife and mother. I'm privileged to be even a small part of her life.

Worship Lady

This past Sunday I had a cute and inspiring experience with a child at our church. I serve as the worship pastor and after the service had ended a young boy approached me at the front of the auditorium. He couldn't have been more than about 7 years old. He looked very serious and approached me asking, "Excuse me, but are you the worship lady?"

You need to first understand that I have been dubbed many varied titles since taking this role. I've been called worship pastor, worship leader, music director, song leader, and the list goes on. Worship lady was a new one, and I kind of like it.

I assured him that yes, I am indeed the "worship lady." He handed me a single $1 bill and, looking very concerned, asked me if I could please put it with the offering. You see, he had gone to the restroom and missed the passing of the offering bags and was distraught that his dollar bill might not make it into this week's offering. His mother told him to find the worship lady and give it to her. I assured him that I would turn it in with this week's offering and he thanked me and left.

I stood there somewhat struck by what had just happened. On the surface it is cute and makes you smile. But, looking a little deeper, I felt the weight of it. This child had just trusted me with his offering- his sacrifice. That's a pretty serious and weighty thing when you think about it.

I think that sometimes when you're in leadership you settle into your role and, after a while, you get a little lazy. You perhaps get too comfortable in it and forget how serious it is. People are watching. People trust you. People call you the "worship lady." :)

Staying In Tune

Today is a great day. Why? Because the piano tuner is at my house. I have a beautiful Baldwin grand piano that proudly sits in my living room. It's arguably my most valuable earthly possession. Although I guess it's nice to look at, it's pretty worthless if I can't play it, interact with it. Over time my Baldwin goes a little flat or a little sharp, and eventually I lose interest in playing it because what was once beautiful music is now just noise. This is why I clap and jump for joy when I see the piano tuner approaching my front door.

I think my attitude is often like my Baldwin piano. Over time I can get a little flat, or a little sharp, and eventually the previously pleasant sounds flowing out of me are now just annoying noise. Noise to God. Noise to others. I need to be tuned.

When the piano tuner tunes my piano, he never tunes it to itself. Instead, he strikes a tuning fork and tunes my piano to the tuning fork. After all, just because my piano is in tune with itself, that doesn't mean that it's actually "in tune." He tunes to the tuning fork because the tuning fork is constant. Unlike my Baldwin, the tuning fork never goes out of tune. It resonates a pure A always and forever.

Just like my piano, I cannot tune my attitude to myself, or to anyone else for that matter. If I do, I'm pretty sure I'll be the only person who thinks I'm "in tune." I need a tuning fork. I need the Holy Spirit filling me up and resonating a pure and constant A. I need this not only for my sake, but for the sake of others, particularly my children. I've been a mom for a long time and if there's one thing I've noticed it's that as goes my attitude, goes the attitude of my kids. Until my kids have completely learned to tune themselves to God, they tune themselves to me. I'm their tuning fork until they learn to make God their tuning fork. Whoever or whatever I tune myself to will be what they tune themselves to.

Well, the piano tuner just finished. I once again have beautiful music resonating from my piano instead of noise. I think I'll go spend some time with God and make sure I'm in tune also.

Love is...choosing to love her Russian mom

What do I do with the reality that Sasha has a Russian mom? I've been internally processing this for a couple of months now. Do I ignore her? Just smile and agree when Sasha talks about her? Blame her for all of Sasha's pain? Create a fairy tale version of her? I've come to the conclusion that I should just love her. I don't have to like the choices she made but I definitely have to love her. After all, if it were not for her I would not have Sasha in my life, regardless of the circumstances that brought her to me. It is classic Romans 8:28-30. God chose Sasha in advance to be his own and so he is taking everything that has happened in her life and is working it together for good. Everything.

I never wanted to be one of those Western Christians full of pride and arrogance, swooping in to save the orphan child. Someone else and their culture can't get it right so I have to march over there and fix it, all in the name of Jesus. I hate that kind of thinking. It stinks. I don't have a Masters in Theology, but I'm pretty sure God hates it too. All that being said, there is a fine line between defending the interests of your adopted child and taking up an offense for her that allows this kind of thinking to creep in.

And so I found myself sitting in a Russian courtroom when suddenly someone announces that her mother has passed away. I suddenly felt my heart break for Sasha and for her mother. For months I have gone back and forth between anger and frustration at Sasha's past circumstances and a broken heart for this woman who is missing out on seeing who Sasha is growing up to be. And then a couple of months ago a real game-changer happened.

Sasha and I were driving along in the car one day when suddenly, out of the blue, she says, "You know, you look just like my Russian mom." Woe. Talk about being caught off guard. Apparently I look so much like her Russian mom that Sasha says when she first saw me it literally took her breath away. I suddenly realized just how carefully God had orchestrated this entire process. Sasha has no pictures of her mother but God loves her so much that she can simply look at me and remember. Are there positives and negatives to this? Most certainly, but whether positive or negative, I have the opportunity to love this woman. I now not only just listen when Sasha wants to talk about her Russian mom, I initiate my own conversations about her. I've learned to cook a few things the way her Russian mom cooked them. I take in all the memories that Sasha shares and save them in an effort to help Sasha remember. Some memories are happy, some are not so happy, but it is obvious that God wants to use them all for good.

I choose to honor her memory. I choose to forgive her when I need to. I choose to love her.

Control Freak

Yes, I admit it. I'm a control freak. It came as quite a shock to hear God (and my dear husband) tell me that I'm a control freak. It's funny how you view yourself versus how others view you. I thought that I was good at delegating and prided myself that I hold things with "open hands." Pride. It will get you every time. No one else could possibly do it as well as me so I just need to do it myself. Is that what I really think? Ouch. It hurts when you get slapped in the face with the reality of your pride issues.

It all came about as Dan and I were planning what to do with Sasha this spring. We are currently home schooling her. We made it through the fall, but the weight of trying to home school and work as a worship pastor at our church was beginning to crush me. What was my solution? Obviously Sasha has to come first, and so obviously I have to quit my job. Enter stage right Dan Jensen, man full of wisdom and grace, and master at stirring the pot. I hate it when he does that. I love it when he does that. Is quitting my job really putting Sasha first? Does home schooling really mean I have to teach her myself? Am I even the best person to teach Sasha?  How dare he ask me such genius questions and reveal my control freak issues!

And there it was staring me in the face.  I didn't want to let anyone help me because I literally felt guilty about wanting to work. I should want to be with Sasha all the time- right? The guilt was robbing me of the joy in finding my purpose and God's call on my life to be a worship pastor. I had to admit I was trying to control everything and ask for help. I also had to accept God's call on my life and decide that I was all in.

Sasha now spends Monday's with me. We work on spiritual development, reading, and life skills. She spends Tuesdays and Thursdays with her grandparents who teach her math, and she spends Wednesdays and Fridays with Miss Heather who teaches her English and reading. Interesting to note that Sasha's grandfather is a retired math teacher and Miss Heather has home-schooled countless kids for countless families over the years. Do you think they probably know more than me? Probably.

It's amazing how calm I feel now that I've let go of what God asked me to let go of. It's also amazing how well things are going in the worship ministry I lead now that I've committed to being all in. And the best part of all is that every afternoon when I pick Sasha up she is genuinely happy to see me. Life is good when you learn to let go.