Sugar Plum Fairies

Last night we enjoyed a performance of the Nutcracker at the Winspear Opera House in Dallas. The Dallas Arts District was filled with holiday lights, horse drawn carriages, performers, and people. The sights and sounds were beautiful. Our family has always enjoyed the arts- symphony, art museums, musical theater, and concerts featuring just about any genre of music. The ballet has never really been a part of our lives. Then Sasha came along.

Dan and I enjoyed our first ballet performance in St. Petersburg, Russia with Sasha. We took her to the Mariinsky (Kirov) theater. A little Ballet 101, to go to the Mariinsky Theater for a ballet is like seeing a theater production on Broadway in New York. Winspear isn't the Mariinsky, but it was certainly beautiful and this time we were able to take Beth for her first ballet experience.

While I don't see us going to The Nutcracker every single year, I am sure we will definitely see it again and again in the future. Honestly, Sasha's favorite part of the night was just going out. She and Beth are exactly alike in this way. They love to dress up and go out like this. Both girls were sporting new holiday dresses and high heels that they had purchased just for the occasion. They were beautiful last night- two Sugar Plum Fairies.

We've had several conversations lately with Sasha about how she misses Russia. Attending events like this I believe will really help. Russia, particularly St. Petersburg, loves art, culture, and architecture. Sasha commented last night about the Dallas skyline and lights. Her comment? "You have some pretty buildings here. Is not Russia. Is not old, but is pretty too. It's okay. I like."

Well okay, I'll take that. :)

Pixie Dust

We took Sasha to Disney World end of October. We are a Disney family and it was great to share it with Sasha. Dan and I have so many great memories of Disney vacations with the kids and now we have those same memories with Sasha.

 As you can see, we were there over Halloween. Mickey's Not So Scary Trick Or Treat is certainly the biggest Halloween party I've ever been to. I guess you could call us the Empire Family. Dan was Caesar, I was a Greek Goddess, and Sasha was Cleopatra.

 They don't celebrate Halloween in Russia but Sasha had heard of it. She was totally excited and thought Trick or Treating was the greatest thing ever.

For those of you who know Dan personally, you are in total shock that he dressed up. We've been married 23 years and started dating when we were 17 and 18 years old and I have NEVER known him to dress up. Sasha looked so disappointed when he told her he doesn't dress up that he couldn't stand it and totally caved.

I've always known that Disney was a magical place, but for us this was a beyond magical trip in many ways. Was it because we were away from our normal surroundings? Was it because we were able to let go of the stress of every day normal life? Was it Pixie dust? Whatever it was, Sasha relaxed in a way we have not seen before. She really let her guard and defenses down and let us in like never before.

There was one day that we had quite a blow up with Sasha. This is pretty normal. We have at least one major blow up a week. Hey, you don't adopt a 13 year old international child and not have at least a weekly blow up. But this time was really different. We sat her down and she really listened to us in a way she had never listened before. The next day we were walking out to catch a bus and out of the blue Sasha said to me, "Mom, I think that 5-6 years in the orphanage were not good for me." She then explained that she believes she learned survival techniques and behaviors and reactions that might have seemed to help her survive in the orphanage, but they just don't seem to work in a family. Uh...okay...WOW!! I nearly passed out on the pavement. She gets it. In fact, she doesn't just get it, she really gets it. She is processing some things on a really deep level.

So now that we're home from vacation, the past two weeks have been absolutely perfect, yes? Umm no. We've had more blow ups, one was the worst yet, but I can point back to that moment in Disney and rest at least a little knowing that she is truly processing her new life and new family.

Pixie dust? I don't think so. No, I'm pretty sure that only the Holy Spirit is capable of that kind of magic. :)

Privacy Please

It was five months ago today that we took custody of Sasha in St. Petersburg, Russia. Hard to believe. Things are going pretty well and we're making a lot of great memories.

Fireworks on the Fouth of July

Ready for a friend's 70s party. I had to explain what a hippie was.

So far I only have one major complaint and it not about Sasha. It's about other people, mostly strangers and acquaintances. Let me try to explain.

I have never had anyone who I have just met or am only acquainted with ask me personal, probing questions about my biological children. No one who just met Beth and I or who are only acquainted with us would ever ask me if Beth was ever abused. Was I ever an alcoholic, drug addict, prostitute? You don't just meet someone and start questioning them about their personal history. Good grief. Yet this is what I constantly encounter. People who I am only mildly acquainted with have a nasty habit of point blank asking me what happened to Sasha's Russian parents. Did they die? Why was she in the orphanage? Was she abused? Were her parents alcoholics, drug addicts? Was her mother a prostitute? Dan and I were warned in our adoption training that this would happen. We carefully rehearsed what we would say in these scenarios and yet, I find myself dumbfounded every time it happens. I guess I'm just shocked that anyone would think it appropriate to ask me these questions. What's worse is that more than once people have asked these questions right in front of Sasha. Get real. Grow a brain.

So how do I answer these questions? My tactful response is that we don't discuss Sasha's personal history with anyone outside of our immediate family.  This shuts it down and I quickly change the subject. I dream of some day having the guts to say "nunya- nunya business." Wouldn't that be fun?

So there you have it. My rant for the day.

Letting Go

Grow up. That's what your kids do. They grow up- and then they leave. They leave and there you are left with this jumbled up bunch of emotions wondering how to sort through them all. I currently find myself sorting through a jumbled up bunch of emotions regarding Beth.

Beth was a freshman last year at Stephen F Austin University in Nacogdoches, Texas. Although she thoroughly loved her time there and loved being an art major, she knew that was not what God really had for her future. She came home and spent the summer with her new sister, Sasha and headed off again in August. This year she has started over as a freshman at Christ For the Nations Institute in Dallas. Last year she was four hours away. This year she is only one hour away but it feels strangely different. So what is different? What has changed? She really left this time. I can't really explain it any differently than that. I helped her move into her apartment on campus and when I drove away there was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that said, "It will never be the same. She is on her own now." Don't get me wrong. This is a good thing. If it doesn't happen then there is definitely something wrong with both you and your child. But try as you will, you can never be quite ready for it.

I feel very blessed that the jumbled emotions are mine and around me, not about Beth or her ability to face life on her own. I know she is ready and, most importantly, she knows God. I've spent the morning reading about Moses and his relationship with God. Exodus 33 says,  (v11)"Inside the Tent of Meeting, the Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend." (v14)The Lord replied, "I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest- everything will be fine for you." (17)The Lord replied to Moses, "I will indeed do what you have asked, for I look favorably on you, and I know you by name."

Beth may not be Moses, but I know that she has this kind of relationship with God and I know that he knows her name. And this is where the deep sense of peace settles in for me. I don't have to worry that I can't be there for her. She doesn't need me like that anymore because she has infinitely more in her relationship with God. She knows how to seek him. She knows how to hear his voice. And she knows how to step out in blind faith. She knows because that is what we have taught her and she has been an excellent student. Sigh. Good feeling. Well, that was a nice 15 minute rest. Now back to the "Classroom of Life" with the younger student!

Ketchup

Wow! I can't believe it's been three months since I last blogged. I have really missed it. So why have I waited so long to blog again? I kept waiting because I didn't know where to draw the boundaries. Once we had Sasha home it seemed to become all about Sasha. But how much about Sasha is it okay for me to share online for the whole world to read? I struggled with this for a long time. My recent conclusion is that it's not about Sasha after all. It's really about me, and that doesn't just pertain to blogging.

After nearly 21 years of parenting I have come to realize that I basically have two choices when it comes to parenting. I can try really hard to control my children, or I can focus on staying in control of me. I can either focus most of my attention and energy on their behavior and choices, or I can take a deep breath and focus most of my attention on my reaction. I think I've spent most of my life as a mother convinced that God gave me these kids to raise and it is my responsibility to make sure that they turn out to be good people, good Christians, good citizens, good employees, good spouses and parents some day, blah blah blah... Sure, it's important that my kids learn to be all of those things, but what about me? Maybe, just maybe God is also using these kids to teach me something as well. And maybe, just maybe my kids learn infinitely more from watching me walk out what God is trying to teach me than I could ever have imagined.

Ketchup. Yes, ketchup is what really first turned the light bulb on for me. Let me explain. Sasha and I were traveling just the two of us to visit my parents. It is a 5 hour car trip. Please understand that even if we are driving 5 minutes to the Target store Sasha will ask "how many minutes?" So you can imagine the state of my patience 3 hours into our trip. She was hungry and we needed to make a restroom stop anyway, so I pulled into a McDonalds. Sasha decided on a cheeseburger, fries, and orange Fanta. I should have known better, I really should have, but patience worn thin I made a fatal error in judgement upon receiving our food order. You see, the clerk did not put any ketchup packets in our bag. Sasha saw that they had little white paper cups that you could squirt ketchup into at the drink dispenser. I know, I know- stupid. But looking at the long line of people still ordering it seemed harmless at the time and so- fatal error- I said yes. We get in the car and Sasha puts the paper cup of ketchup on the dash so she can buckle her seat belt. I, not noticing the paper cup on the dash, take off and the now airborn ketchup lands on Sasha's seat. My first thought was one of anger and frustration until, (by the grace of God before I said anything,) I looked at Sasha's face. There was fear in her eyes. I had only been her mother for about 12 weeks. She wasn't really sure what to expect. She was afraid.

So here's the deal. Should she have set the paper cup on the dash? At 14 years old should she have known better? Under normal circumstances, yes I suppose she should have known better. But who let her have the paper cup of ketchup in the first place? Me. I did it. And the reality is that Sasha has traveled very little in a car in her lifetime. You don't drive around in St Petersburg, Russia unless you absolutely have to. You take the subway. So what happened next?

Well, I closed my eyes for just a second and took a deep breath. I calmly got out of the car and walked around to her side, opened the door, and helped her wipe it up. She kept saying over and over, "Mama, I so sorry. Mama, so sorry." It really broke my heart. I told her it was just ketchup and that I love her more than I love a clean car. I also told her that she would have to help me clean the ketchup stain off of the seat later. Then we took off down the road and had a good talk about what you can and cannot eat in a moving car and why. (By the way, due to my bad judgement, it was a good refresher course for me as well.) She wanted to know why I didn't yell at her. Then she wanted to know why I have never yelled at her for anything. And that is when the light bulb really came on for me.

I for sure used to be a yeller. I wish I could go back and undo all of the yelling I did at Beth and Alex. I don't yell anymore, I haven't for a long time. I'm not really sure when God broke me of that, but I'm glad he did. Sasha and I talked about yelling and why I don't yell at her. She opened up and shared a huge portion of her past and hurt with me and we bonded on a whole new level that day. I still haven't cleaned that ketchup stain off of my seat. It just too good of a reminder for right now.

So yeah, I could have focused on her and how a 14 year old "should" know better. I could have given her a stern talking to. I could have even yelled at her. But I'm just guessing she learned a whole lot more from my calm reaction than she would have if I had exploded at her. So you see, it really is more about me. So I'll keep blogging- about me that is. :)

Lost In Translation?

After having Sasha home now for nearly two weeks, what is the number one question that I hear? You may have already guessed it. "So, how do you communicate if she doesn't speak English?" I'll admit I was really worried about how we would communicate, but I'm learning that talking can sometimes be overrated.

Talking is easy. As a parent, it's often the easy way out for me. You know what I'm talking about- nag, nag, nag, blah, blah, blah. Give me a couple of seconds and I'm easily in lecture mode. With Sasha I am being forced to develop new muscles. I have to really think through what I communicate and how I communicate it.

I really found myself thinking about this as I read John 14:1-14 earlier this week. In verse 11 Jesus says, "Just believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me. Or at least believe because of the work you have seen me do." Believe. The disciples can believe because they have experienced the very character of the Father through Jesus. They have been with him so much and are so close to him that they know who he is and they can believe in their experience. Jesus follows this by saying that if they cannot accept believing in their experience, then at least believe in what they have seen him do.

One proof is experiencing him. Another lesser proof is what they see- his actions. Amazingly, what they hear Jesus say is not even mentioned. He is not asking them to follow him because of what he says. This is very comforting to me because what I say to Sasha right now doesn't count for much. She cannot believe in something that she cannot understand. Sasha sees what I do. My actions do count, but this passage implies that what she experiences when she is with me is what really matters. When she experiences me, does she experience the Father? That is the question. That is all that really matters.

Words are cheap. Actions are important, but watching is done from a distance. Experiencing someone is intimate and touches the very heart of a person. I want Sasha to experience the Father through me the same way the disciples experienced him through Jesus. This means that I have to experience the Father myself. I cannot pass something on to her that I do not have myself.

All that being said, I look forward to the day that Sasha is fluent in English and we can have long, meaningful conversations with each other. But until then, I'm leaning in and learning new parenting and communication skills. Hey, does anyone know the Russian word for.................

More Mixed Nuts- Well Wishers and Naysayers

Well, we're home and settling in. Sasha has unpacked her things and put them away. She loves our dog Jazz and he is thrilled because she throws the ball to him more often than the rest of us combined. Beth loves having a little sister. She showed Sasha how to use the hair straightener and takes her out for ice cream.

Josiah loves having a little sister as well. He plays wii with her and tickles her until she nearly wets her pants. His face in this picture as he looks at her says it all.

Sasha loves that her two closest friends from Russia also live in the area. They were there to greet her at the airport. She has already spent several hours talking to them on the phone. We can already see that we will have to switch cell phone plans to one with more minutes. :)

Texas summers are definitely NOT Russian summers. We spent our second day at Grandma's house in their neighborhood pool. Sasha loves to swim, most likely because of the heat here. Grandma and Grandpa don't mind. Any excuse to have her over is good with them.

Our homecoming was a great experience. Thank you to everyone who made it so special. There was an army of well-wishers at the airport. A group of people from church came and cleaned our house and stocked our pantry. AMAZING! And thank you Courtney Horvath for taking the amazing photos of our homecoming at the airport. I will cherish them and I'm sure Sasha will also.

Our adoption agency, Buckner, asked our permission to have a television crew at the airport when we arrived. Channel 11 from Dallas was there to record our arrival and interview us. You can find the video at this link http://dfw.cbslocal.com/2011/05/27/wylie-family-brings-home-adopted-russian-teen/

On the Channel 11 website, there is an area below the video where people can leave comments about the stories. I guess I'm not completely surprised by the negative comments people made about us. International adoption is a touchy subject everywhere. When we are in Russia we hear angry Russians telling us that we shouldn't be taking Russian children from their culture. When we are in America we hear angry Americans telling us that we should adopt American children in the foster system instead of going overseas. There is a common factor in both groups. Those in Russia who do not like us would never dream of adopting a Russian orphan in an effort to keep them in their native culture. And those in America who think we should only adopt American children would never dream of adopting or fostering an American child themselves. The global orphan crisis is just that- global.

So, am I upset at the angry naysayers? Nope. Not in the least. I am actually quite excited about it. Nothing gives me a bigger high than to poke a stick into a hornets nest and then watch what happens. I figure that if the world is angry at what I am doing then I must be smack in the middle of God's will. Check it out.
1John 3:13- So don't be surprised, dear brothers and sisters, if the world hates you.
1Peter 3:16-17- Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer for doing wrong!

So let them rant, let them murmur, let them stare. I will joyfully keep doing what I know Christ would do. 

Our Current Flight Arrival Information

It is currently Thursday, May 26  at 4 pm. We have landed in Chicago and wanted to give everyone our current flight and arrival status. Our flight to Dallas is currently delayed 25 minutes.
If you are planning to meet us at the airport, please make sure to contact American Airlines before leaving to check on our flight status.
You can get updated flight arrival information for flight AA2341 at www.aa.com or by calling 1-800-433-7300.

We will meet everyone at our baggage claim area. They currently show us arriving at 8:10pm gate A25 (Terminal A) baggage claim A28. However, this information is likely to change so please check first.

Love you all and look forward to seeing everyone.

Sensible Shoes

We are so excited to go home! This was our last day in Moscow as well as our last day in Russia. We slept late for some much needed rest and spent the afternoon at the Zoh-park (Zoo). The Moscow Zoo is not that large so we were able to see most everything including the dolphin show. Sasha loved the dolphin show. I was able to get a good picture of her with the giraffe.

This picture is pretty much it because she was such a camera hog! :) Good grief but this kid loves to take pictures. Maybe she'll grow up to be a photographer some day. We didn't want to pack the big camera around the zoo today so we just used our iphones. My iphone is now full of twenty-trillion photos of this animal and that. Come to think of it, I'm really glad the Moscow Zoo is small or I wouldn't have any memory left on my iphone.

People watching is quite a hobby for me. I really enjoy being around a lot of people and really enjoy people watching. Russia is a great place to people watch because Russians take their fashion quite seriously. I'm serious. These people really know how to dress. They dress up to go everywhere and the women really enjoy wearing high heels. The odd thing is they wear high heels everywhere- and I mean everywhere. And so, I found myself at the zoo in line to watch the dolphin show and suddenly found myself feeling under-dressed in my jeans and t-shirt. Check out the lady in line in front of us. I just couldn't resist snapping a picture of her heels.

Seriously? At the zoo? I mean check out the cobblestone path we had to walk all day on. My feet hurt just from my sensible shoes. If you want to make it big as a podiatrist, this would be a good country to open your practice in. Sasha wore a pair of ankle-breakers (that's what I call them) to the ballet last week. I spent the whole night using the Russian word for "be careful." I'm really good at saying that word now. Got it down.

Thank you to our family and friends for all the encouragement as we have been traveling. We love you all and look forward to seeing you again. Just a few more hours! Oh, and when we arrive, we will all be wearing sensible shoes- even Sasha.

Blessed To Be American

We've had a good couple of days in Moscow but we sure are ready to get home. We're all three quite stir-crazy in the tiny apartment since we just came from a tiny hotel room in St. Petersburg. We go out most days for quite a while but you have to go back some time. We're tired of tourist attractions, museums, and eating out.
One nice thing about being in Moscow is there are more American things here and there. We ate lunch yesterday at Hard Rock Cafe Moscow. The Moscow location is HUGE. Three floors- a bit overwhelming.

They have Starbucks in Moscow also. Yes, I got my Moscow City Mug. Just love those city mugs. You hear more English here and there also. A British couple struck up a conversation with us just so they could talk to someone else in English. Cracked me up.
We also visited the Kremlin, Red Square, and St. Basils yesterday. So much history here. Some of the history is sad and some of it is awe inspiring. Sasha loved the architecture and history as usual. She also loved the fountains and flowers. Everything is sunny, blooming and beautiful over here this time of year.

Today we spent the morning at the US Embassy getting Sasha's immigration paperwork taken care of and then we were just lazy all day around the apartment. The US Embassy was really an interesting experience. We met adopting families from Indiana, Connecticut, New York, Puerto Rico, and of course our friends from Texas. But the interesting part for me was the fact that it was "Student Day." What is student day you ask? Well, student day is Tuesdays at the US Embassy. This is the day that Russian students can apply for a student visa to study at a university in America. The lines were quite long and each student looked nervous, anxious, and ripe with anticipation. As we were entering the Embassy I saw several girls come out jumping up and down celebrating as they waived their coveted paperwork in the air. They were overcome with joy at the prospect of studying in America. As we left the Embassy I witnessed the exact opposite. Several young ladies were leaving the Embassy in tears. They had been rejected for some reason. They were completely grief stricken and their sorrow overwhelmed me. My heart really went out to them.

It really made me stop and think. I live in a very unique country. You can actually start at the bottom and make something of yourself. Opportunity is open to most anyone who wants it. That is just not true in most parts of the world. These young Russian students know the enormous opportunities open to them in America. Question is, do most American students realize it? The familiar becomes just that- familiar.

Thank you Jesus for the unique blessing I enjoy just because I was born in America. Give me wisdom to teach Beth and Josiah how blessed they are to be young American adults with a bright future ahead of them. And give me wisdom to teach Sasha to take full advantage of the unique blessing she enjoys as both a citizen of America and a citizen of Russia.

Farewell St. Pete, Hello Moscow

We said farewell to St. Petersburg yesterday. I was so sad to leave Natasha. I have come to love this dear woman who has literally laid her life down for the sake of helping children find forever families. We took a bullet train from St. Petersburg to Moscow. I had never been on a passenger train before. It was really quite fun.

We are traveling with another family from Dallas. We have known them for some time through Buckner and are having a great time together. Their new son is 10 years old. He and Sasha seem to really enjoy talking and playing games together. We talk with Sasha, but we only know enough Russian to have "baby talk" in a sense. Simple 2-3 word sentences. The kids tire of this after a while. When they get together they both talk all over the top of each other barely taking a breath. I guess they're just trying to get in as much Russian speak as possible not knowing how long it will be before they get another chance.
Sasha wanted to dress nice for the train ride. She chose an all pink and black ensemble so that her clothes would also match her luggage. Oy. :0 What you don't even see in this photo is the hot pink sweater that goes with the outfit. Too hot out in the sun.

As I shot this next photo I thought to myself how these two kids are so brave. They are leaving their city. They are leaving their country. They are leaving their culture. They are leaving the only home they have ever known. Could I do that? I just don't know. I admire their brave little hearts.

We have had so many people say such nice things to us during this process. People have said that Dan and I are brave, that we are doing such a good thing, that Sasha is lucky to have us, etc. Don't get me wrong, these are very nice things to say to us and we are grateful for people's kind thoughts. I am just struck with these older kids though. We are adults, therefore we have some control. They are still kids, they really have no control. They don't really know what lies in store for them in a new family and a new country, and yet they choose to be adopted. Very brave.
Any family who is blessed enough to adopt an older child internationally is blessed with a very brave child indeed.

Grateful

We had the awesome privilege of meeting with two of Sasha's caregivers on Tuesday evening. These precious ladies actually came to our hotel room to meet with Sasha and her new family. It would be difficult for me to describe Sasha's excitement as she waited for them to arrive. These precious ladies have cared for her and many other children as if she were their own. I am convinced that people like this are truly the hands and feet of God. Just look at how they look at her.

Yes, angels. That is what these precious ladies are. We thanked them and thanked them. We brought gifts for Sasha to give to them. They humbly accepted our gifts and then gave us a gift that is more precious than we could have ever hoped for. They pulled out a USB stick with nearly 600 photos of Sasha since she first arrived in their care! What a treasure! Below is what looks to be one of the earliest photos of Sasha. I am not even certain how old she is in this photo. Details like this are ones that we will have to sort out as her English becomes more proficient.

No one was able to locate any baby pictures of Sasha. For Sasha, these are her baby pictures, her past, her history, her story. We are so grateful that these precious ladies would take time in the midst of caring for all of these children to make sure that these kids take with them a history.

As her caregivers were leaving, Sasha just had to show them the bathroom of our hotel room. Yes, the bathroom. You see, our bathroom has a gigantic jet tub in it. It's really very nice. It has built in lights, bubbles that come up from the bottom of the tub, and jets in the sides of the tub. Sasha is in tub heaven. I found it very odd that she would need to show the ladies our tub until they explained it to me. The orphanage only has showers, no tubs. With that many kids, you are simply not allowed a leisurely shower or bath. The caregivers said that one of the first things every adopted child calls and tells them is, "Oh, I took the longest, nicest hot bath!" And that is what Sasha has been doing. Taking nice, long hot baths. Of course with a personality like Sasha's things can get crazy pretty quickly.

Pictures from Saturday and Sunday, May 14-15

Outside of the Russian State Museum

In front of a statue of Cathrine the Great
Russian State Museum

Sasha resting her feet.
Russian State Museum

The canal directly across from our hotel.

Playful, playful

Bowling, Russian Art, and Other Mixed Nuts

Up at 5am. Yuck. Platinum Dan, my travel expert husband, says that day 3 is the worst and it will get better tomorrow. We'll see. The problem is the light. White Nights can really mess up your internal clock. It gets dark around 10pm, but the sun comes back up at about 3am. Very strange, and yet cool.

We have had a great couple of days together. We are in a different hotel this trip. It is newly renovated and in one of the old buildings overlooking a canal. Great view. On Saturday we explored on our own. We got brave and figured out how to ride the subway. We also found a really nice mall just 10 minutes walk from the hotel. They have a bowling alley! We took Sasha bowling. I would love to attach a photo, however I am sad to say that after snapping several pictures I noticed that we had not put the memory card back in the camera. Duh. We had lots of fun once we figured it out. No one spoke English there and there were no English signs. Dan and I can Cyrillic, but if the word doesn't phonetically translate to English is doesn't do you any good. Eventually an exasperated attendant took pity on us and set our lane. :) Poor guy. Little does he know we'll be back later this week and we're bringing another American family with us. They arrived last night and are adopting a 10 year boy.

You can really learn a lot about a person by taking them bowling. I already knew that Sasha was competitive but it was really on display with bowling. After rolling her 3rd - 4th gutter ball, she was done. She noticed that the neighboring family had the bumper rails up. Our lane didn't have bumper rails. She wanted the bumpers. She needed the bumpers. She wasn't going to rest until she had the bumpers. I used my handy dandy Russian/English translation book and explained we must finish this game but next game we will try to move to a lane with bumpers. She reluctantly finished the first game and was elated to start the next game with bumpers. With bumpers, on her third turn she got her first strike. She was so excited that she did a little dance to celebrate. She has had dance lessons so I will say that the dance was really quite good. Hip hop in nature with a Michael Jackson moonwalk at the end.

Yesterday our guide Natasha took us to the Russian state museum. All Russian art by Russian artists. Simply beautiful and of course, housed in yet another Czar Palace. How many palaces can one city have? Sasha's knowledge of art history is quite amazing. She pointed out to our group that in a certain painting this particular artist had painted the eyes so that no matter what point of view you looked from, the eyes were looking at you. She knows what century works of art are from, artists names, what country they are from, etc. She knows architecture around St. Petersburg. She knows names of bridges, buildings, and cathedrals, when they were built, how they were built, the materials used to build them, and the name of the architect. Again I find myself asking, "Who is this kid?"

Who is this kid? That is where the grief strikes for me. In the midst of all of this joy I find myself grieving on the inside. I have missed so much of her life. A couple of weeks ago I babysat my niece and nephew. Jack is 5 and Sophia is 2. As I held Sophia's chubby little hand and looked into her face I found myself overcome with grief for a moment. I missed this time with Sasha. I will never even know what her chubby two year old hands and face looked like. That makes me so sad.

Grief and joy all at the same time. But she is so worth it. These kids are so worth it. Sasha and hundreds of thousands of Russian kids like her have enormous potential and so much to offer the world. They just need a family and a chance. If you include orphans in the rest of the world including the US the numbers reach the millions. Grief? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Is it for everyone? Heck no! But if you're the adventuresome type it is so worth it. The ultimate adventure. How many families have room at their table for one more?

Please forgive me for the lack of pictures. The internet connection at this hotel is simply awful. I will try to take my computer to another location with better wifi later and upload some photos.

Traveling Light

And so our journey begins it's final chapter. Sasha was at the airport waiting for our arrival this time. It was just super to walk through customs and see her standing there waiting for us. There she stood- with a new name, new family, new future, new destination, new destiny. An all new Sasha. I do not pretend to know what went through her mind as her head hit the pillow on her last night in the orphanage.

She was also wearing new clothes that we had brought for her on our last trip. When we reached the van, there in the back was a HUGE bright pink suitcase. We were informed that this was Sasha's suitcase. When picking her up from the orphanage, Natasha asked her if she was sure she needed all of this stuff. Sasha's reply was, "Oh yes, I need all of these things." We will work through it this week. We watched a similar situation unfold when we were here in February.

As we were going to pick Sasha up at the orphanage on our first trip in February, our guide Natasha was returning two large bags of clothes to the orphanage. Sasha is one of three girls who were room mates at the orphanage. They are all three being adopted by families in Texas. Sasha is the last to leave. Her two friends had just left the orphanage for the last time and Natasha now found herself bringing clothes back to the orphanage. The girls thought they needed to take all of those clothes with them. But once they saw that their new parents had new clothes for them, they decided they didn't need the old clothes after all and let go of them. I suspect they first hung on to the old clothes because it is all they owned in the world. They did not yet realize that now that they have been adopted, they are receiving a new inheritance and new identity that includes new clothes. Once upon a time all they owned in the world was a bag of worn out clothes. Now they walk in an eternal inheritance.

New.  New name, new family, new future, new destination, new destiny- new clothes. They now wear their new clothes and walk in their new identity. And so it will be with Sasha. I wonder what old mom can learn from this?

Galatians 2:20- My old self has been (past tense) crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 3:27- And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have put on Christ, like putting on new clothes.

Paul says very clearly that he IS crucified with Christ, not that he is trying to be. Perhaps this is where I have gone wrong for so long. I keep a list of all the areas in my life that I need to surrender to God and then keep trying to surrender them. How long until I finally realize that the old Kerri is dead and start walking as Kerri who is new in Christ? Oh yes there is a life-long process involved, but I think I look at many old patterns in my life as though I have to battle and kill them- again. This is simply not true. The battle is already won. Rather, I need to say, "that was the old Kerri, but that is not who Kerri is now."

What is sin in the believer who has put on Christ anyway? When I see sin in my life it is the Holy Spirit showing me old patterns- old clothes. My heavenly Father is constantly pointing out old clothes that I need to throw away. It is not who I am anymore. I am finally starting to realize that working out my salvation is less about defeating sin and more about recognizing what is simply not true anymore. It is a constant daily choice- wear the new clothes, or go dig the old clothes out of the trash heap.

It is my new role in life now to help Sasha let go of much of the past and embrace her new identity. That being said, I have a strong feeling that the Father will be guiding me through my own journey of letting go of the past. I guess Sasha and I will get to walk this path together.

Platinum Dan

It's a relaxing morning in the Admirals Club at DFW Airport. I've always hated how much Dan has to travel with his job. However, the perks are definitely paying off on this trip. After traveling all these years he is "Lifetime Platinum." Our friends joke and call him "Platinum Dan." I used to feel guilty about using the perks when we traveled, but those feelings are definitely gone on this trip. I felt no remorse at all as I checked in at the first class line, and walked right by everyone in the security line. :) I also feel no remorse as I sit in the cushy seats in the Admirals Club. And I will definitely feel no remorse at having been upgraded to first class seats on the flight to Chicago and business class seats on the long flight to Helsinki Finland. Nope. No remorse at all.
There's more to it than that though. There's Platinum Dan himself. I can't imagine being on this journey with anyone else. His calm, secure nature. His experience at world travel- he instinctively knows exactly what to do while I stand there looking lost. His integrity. His quiet, humble leadership. I'm in love with Platinum Dan. I'm privileged to be Mrs. Platinum Dan.

Link To Sasha's Big Concert Debut :)

Here is a link to a youtube video showing Sasha and other children from orphanage 14 in St. Petersburg. Roger Waters of Pink Floyd chose them to perform with him at his concert in St. Petersburg on April 25. They performed Another Brick In The Wall with him. The video is definitely not professional, but is pretty decent. Sasha is short with dark hair pulled back into a pony tail. She is pretty consistently located at the far left of the screen when they show shots of the kids.
Enjoy, it sure made me smile. What a neat experience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-mkUf7wnN8

Normal Is Only A Setting On Your Clothes Dryer

Quirks. We all have them. You know, those little habits and behaviors we all have that make us a little weird- I mean unique. I find that quirks often run in families. I am enjoying the process of uncovering some of the quirks that Sasha already shares with her parents and siblings.

Big Sister Beth
When Sasha walks next to me she likes to hold hands. The next thing she does is to match my stride. What I mean is that she adjusts her steps so that her right foot and my right foot are stepping forward at the same time. She also avoids stepping on cracks or lines in the pavement. If she steps on a crack with her left foot, she also feels the need to step on the next crack with her right foot. Quirky. She shares this strange behavior with her big sister Beth. If Sasha starts humming songs all of the time we're in real trouble.

Big Brother Alex
Alex is our second born biological child. He passed away in December of 2004 at the age of 12. We love and miss him and his quirks. At least one of his quirks will be returning to our home with the arrival of Sasha. She makes little noises and sound effects with her mouth such as clicking her tongue and various other sounds. She'll often insert these into a sentence to help drive home her point, and perhaps to help us understand what she is saying since she is speaking Russian after all. Alex was a noisy fellow. We often laugh about how surprised we are that God didn't find him too noisy upon his arrival to heaven. Now he has a noisy little sister as well.

Big Brother Josiah
Josiah has been in our lives for a little more than a year now. We love him and often refer to him as our son. Josiah has done enough laundry at my house for me to confidently say that he is bad about checking his pockets before putting his clothes in the washer. He probably has the cleanest money, pens, cigarette lighters, etc. in town. Sasha sent clothes home for me to wash and bring back to Russia with us. I guess I was jet lagging and didn't check the pockets of her jeans. When I open the washer to transfer her clothes to the dryer, I was greeted by cherry flavored lip balm, several small wads of paper, two small hair clips, and many many sunflower seeds. Yes- sunflower seeds. Oh my.

Dad
Dan is a well organized fellow. He likes lists and plans and charts. He also likes to be touched and enjoys having his arm or back tickled. Sasha will be his little buddy in this area. Touch touch touch touch. She eats it up to the point that the two of them make me laugh. She also needs to know the plan at all times. So much so that we created a little calendar and chart for her to cross off the days until we return. This seemed to comfort her. Lord, help me.

Mom
Okay, so I have quirks too. Actually, I have a lot of quirks but one is a particularly bad habit that Sasha and I share. I am a nail biter. I bite my nails when stressed or anxious. Sasha is a fellow nail biter. On our first trip we were sitting next to each other in the orphanage directors office and she was biting her nails. She saw that I was watching her and quickly quit as if she was in trouble. I tapped her on the should and showed her my nails. Her reply was a little giggle and a big smile. Maybe we'll help each other stop.

So there you have it. The quirky Jensens. I wouldn't have it any other way. After all, normal is nothing more than a setting on your clothes dryer.

Just Two More Weeks

It's just for two weeks. Small comfort for my dear Sasha. I've given her my name and my heart and yet I still had to drop her back at the orphanage for "just two more weeks." Before we left the hotel this morning for our last day together, Dan and I made her a little calendar so that she can mark off the days until we return. This morning I told Sasha, "We will be back in just two weeks and then you never have to go back to the orphanage again- ever." I could tell that it brought her some comfort, but her demeanor was markedly different today knowing that she was going back to the orphanage instead of back to Texas.

We did have a wonderful day together despite knowing how it would end. We visited The Church On Spilled Blood, The Peter and Paul Fortress, and the book store located inside the Singer Sewing Company building. In the book store Sasha chose a book on Russian history, a book about the Czars, a fiction story about a horse, and a sort of horse encyclopedia if you will. (If you haven't figured it out yet, the child loves horses.)

The Church On Spilled Blood is a favorite for Dan and I. The entire theme of the mosaics inside the church is simply Jesus. His life, his death, his resurrection. What better theme is there than that? As I stood in the church, Natasha pointed out how one side of the church focuses on his death and suffering. The other side of the church focuses on his birth, life, and resurrection. Suffering and death. New life. This is how it is for all of us I suppose. But I really thought of Sasha. There is this one part of her life marked with sadness and loneliness. Now she is stepping into a new chapter. A chapter filled with friends and family who love her and will speak life, new life, into her.

Just two more weeks my dear Sasha. Just two more weeks.

The Church Of Our Savior On Spilled Blood

The Church On Spilled Blood has more mosaics than any other church in Europe.

The Peter and Paul Fortress. Every Czar since Peter the Great is buried here.
For all you conspiracy theorists, I'm sorry but Anastasia really did die.

We ended our day at a yummy Georgian restaurant.
That's Georgia in Eastern Europe. Not the peach state. :)

It Is Finished

This morning was the first morning that Sasha awakened as Sasha Reese Jensen. My goodness. That blows my mind. She is my daughter. I extended my hand and said, "Would you like to take my name and become my own flesh and blood?" She responded that indeed she would like that, and now it is finished. It is settled. Sure, there are some formalities and processing that must take place, but it is settled. The decision cannot and will not be reversed.

Before the judge stated the decree and the decision she asked us, "Are you sure that you do not want to change your mind?" We responded that no, we do not wish to change our minds. Then she made the decree that on this 28th day of April 2011 this child will be known as Sasha Reese Jensen, daughter to Daniel Gordon Jensen and Kerri Dawn Jensen. As the judge walked out of the court room she paused and looked at me and said, "It is finished."  It is finished. Those words took my breath away even before Natasha translated them into English for me.

My heavenly Father was both adoptive Father and Judge on the day that I become his daughter. I now understand, perhaps for the first time in my life, that just like me it blows his mind that I am forever his daughter. It blows his mind that I have his name. It blows his mind about every child in his Kingdom family. He extends his hand over and over and asks child after child if they would like to take his name and become his own flesh and blood. He is and forever will be infinitely more excited about his adoption of us than I am about Sasha. Sure, there are formalities, some processing and transformation must take place, but the matter is settled. It is finished. Transformation is necessary. Otherwise, I have only changed my name. Without the transformation I will never look like or act like my Father or my big brother in the Kingdom, Jesus.

1John 3:1-2 says "See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don't recognize that we are God's children because they don't know him. Dear friends, we are already Gods children, but he has not yet shown us what we will be like when Christ appears. But we do know that we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is."

I don't know what Sasha or our family will look like in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, but I do know that she will be like us in many, many ways. And ultimately I know that she will look like and act like her big brother in the Kingdom, Jesus.

Alexander Column outside the Hermitage Museum.
Military troops were preparing special programs for
Victory Day which is on May 9.

In the Throne Room of Catherine the Great

Sasha and I share an embrace during our tour of the Hermitage

Sasha and Dan leaving the Hermitage

It's A Girl!!

Well, it's official. We had our court case today and Sasha is forever "Sasha Reese Jensen." It would be terribly difficult to describe the emotions and thoughts that raced through my mind as I stood in that court room listening to the judge and then hearing her make the decree that "from this day forward this child shall be known as Sasha Reese Jensen, daughter of Daniel Gordon Jensen and Kerri Dawn Jensen."

Sasha had to enter the courtroom at one point during the hearing and answer a few questions and state that yes, she did wish to be adopted by us. The funny part of the hearing came when the judge asked Sasha if she was concerned about communicating with us. She asked, "How will you handle communicating with your new parents until you learn English?" Sasha replied, "It's no problem at all. Natasha translates everything for me!" Hahaha! I guess that Sasha just forgot that Natasha is not coming home to Texas with us! The entire courtroom including the judge got a big laugh from that. Sasha wasn't even embarrassed. She just laughed along with us. What a trooper.

We followed up our hearing with a celebration lunch at a wonderful restaurant right across from the Church On Spilled Blood. As I type this, she sits next to me probably wondering what in the world I'm saying with these funny looking letters on this screen. I stop typing to ponder what I will say next, turn my head, and we look at each other and smile. She knows. She knows that she is forever safe now, and forever part of a family. I know how I feel. What I can't seem to grasp is how she feels. What is she really thinking? What does it feel like to be an orphan one minute and a daughter the next? I guess in many ways I should know. After all, I once was lost. I was once a spiritual orphan one minute and a daughter of the King of the universe the next.

Outside the court house after our hearing

Our celebration lunch

She's A Rock Star

We went early this morning (Wednesday) for our medicals at the Russian clinic. The clinic and staff were very kind. After finishing early at the clinic we headed to the orphanage to pick up Sasha. She was ready and waiting at the door for us. Big hugs and smiles were shared. We visited with her orphanage director for a short time where we learned some very interesting news about our little Sasha.

The orphanage director pulled out a newspaper article to show us. As it turns out, Roger Waters of Pink Floyd was in concert this week in St. Petersburg Russia. He has a heart for orphans and selects an orphanage children's choir when traveling through European cities in concert. He just so happened to choose Sasha's orphanage, and Sasha just so happened to be chosen to be in the choir. There in the newspaper photo was Sasha on stage, singing with Pink Floyd in front of thousands of people! She has an autographed photo, t-shirt, the works! Of course, she sang Another Brick In the Wall. My only comfort comes in the fact that they were taught the song in English and so she hasn't a clue what she was singing. :)

We spent the afternoon touring Yusupov Palace. This palace is famous because it is the location where the famous Rasputin was assassinated. Later we ate dinner together and are now hanging out in our room visiting and playing games. Sasha has spent most of the evening playing games on Dan's iphone. She likes to win- that is for sure!

This is a picture of Sasha and her orphanage group at the concert. What an incredible experience. What other crazy and interesting things will I learn about this kid?!

Back In St Pete

Well, we're back in St. Petersburg, Russia after a long flight through Munich, Germany. It is good to be back in this beautiful city. Hearing the Russian language all around us feels welcoming. The weather is absolutely gorgeous here. It has been a beautiful sunny day and St. Petersburg is in the beginning stages of white nights. It is almost 10pm and just now getting dark. When we return to bring Sasha home, white nights will be in full swing. We are very excited to experience it.

We go for our physical exams at the Russian clinic tomorrow. Fun times, I'm sure. We'll let you know how it goes, although I've been told by previous families that it's not a big deal at all. The fun part will be picking Sasha up from the orphanage after our medical exams. Natasha has already told her that we will be picking her up around noon. Sasha needs a time-line. On our last trip she apparently made four trips to the school principal's office insisting that she should have already been released from school to meet her parents. I hope the noon time frame helps cut down on the principal's stress. :) Hey, you have to admire her "take charge" attitude!

This is a picture from our first trip in February. We are inside St. Isaac's Cathedral. St. Isaac's is truly amazing. It is an absolute architectural work of genius. We'll visit several new sites while on this trip and let you see more amazing St. Petersburg sites.

Light At the End Of the Tunnel Of Wait

If ever there were a word associated with adoption, it would most certainly have to be "wait."
We've waited nearly 5 years- sort of- but that's a long story for another time. I first met my dear Sasha last August when she came to Texas with Buckner's "Angels From Abroad" program. We made our first trip to St. Petersburg, Russia in February and have just received a court date for April 28. At long last, my dear Sasha will make her way home. Below is an excerpt from my journal while in Russia in February.

February 22, 2011
I awake this morning and my dear Sasha is sleeping in the living area of our hotel room. I suddenly feel completely overwhelmed. She has so many needs. But what did I expect? I read Oswald Chambers this morning. "Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God." Perseverance is not sitting by waiting for God to do something. I have waited for this day for so long believing all the while that I was persevering. However, I don't think I've been truly persevering until now. Now I am in it. There is action. I'm beginning to realize while writing this that I do not need to fear not being able to meet all of Sasha's needs. I could never meet all of her needs. Only her heavenly Father can meet all of her needs. Truth is, I can't even meet all of my own needs. I trust in you Father, and I wait to hear your voice. Please show kindness and speak oh so clearly.