Yes, I admit it. I'm a control freak. It came as quite a shock to hear God (and my dear husband) tell me that I'm a control freak. It's funny how you view yourself versus how others view you. I thought that I was good at delegating and prided myself that I hold things with "open hands." Pride. It will get you every time. No one else could possibly do it as well as me so I just need to do it myself. Is that what I really think? Ouch. It hurts when you get slapped in the face with the reality of your pride issues.
It all came about as Dan and I were planning what to do with Sasha this spring. We are currently home schooling her. We made it through the fall, but the weight of trying to home school and work as a worship pastor at our church was beginning to crush me. What was my solution? Obviously Sasha has to come first, and so obviously I have to quit my job. Enter stage right Dan Jensen, man full of wisdom and grace, and master at stirring the pot. I hate it when he does that. I love it when he does that. Is quitting my job really putting Sasha first? Does home schooling really mean I have to teach her myself? Am I even the best person to teach Sasha? How dare he ask me such genius questions and reveal my control freak issues!
And there it was staring me in the face. I didn't want to let anyone help me because I literally felt guilty about wanting to work. I should want to be with Sasha all the time- right? The guilt was robbing me of the joy in finding my purpose and God's call on my life to be a worship pastor. I had to admit I was trying to control everything and ask for help. I also had to accept God's call on my life and decide that I was all in.
Sasha now spends Monday's with me. We work on spiritual development, reading, and life skills. She spends Tuesdays and Thursdays with her grandparents who teach her math, and she spends Wednesdays and Fridays with Miss Heather who teaches her English and reading. Interesting to note that Sasha's grandfather is a retired math teacher and Miss Heather has home-schooled countless kids for countless families over the years. Do you think they probably know more than me? Probably.
It's amazing how calm I feel now that I've let go of what God asked me to let go of. It's also amazing how well things are going in the worship ministry I lead now that I've committed to being all in. And the best part of all is that every afternoon when I pick Sasha up she is genuinely happy to see me. Life is good when you learn to let go.
