Grow up. That's what your kids do. They grow up- and then they leave. They leave and there you are left with this jumbled up bunch of emotions wondering how to sort through them all. I currently find myself sorting through a jumbled up bunch of emotions regarding Beth.
Beth was a freshman last year at Stephen F Austin University in Nacogdoches, Texas. Although she thoroughly loved her time there and loved being an art major, she knew that was not what God really had for her future. She came home and spent the summer with her new sister, Sasha and headed off again in August. This year she has started over as a freshman at Christ For the Nations Institute in Dallas. Last year she was four hours away. This year she is only one hour away but it feels strangely different. So what is different? What has changed? She really left this time. I can't really explain it any differently than that. I helped her move into her apartment on campus and when I drove away there was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that said, "It will never be the same. She is on her own now." Don't get me wrong. This is a good thing. If it doesn't happen then there is definitely something wrong with both you and your child. But try as you will, you can never be quite ready for it.
I feel very blessed that the jumbled emotions are mine and around me, not about Beth or her ability to face life on her own. I know she is ready and, most importantly, she knows God. I've spent the morning reading about Moses and his relationship with God. Exodus 33 says, (v11)"Inside the Tent of Meeting, the Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend." (v14)The Lord replied, "I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest- everything will be fine for you." (17)The Lord replied to Moses, "I will indeed do what you have asked, for I look favorably on you, and I know you by name."
Beth may not be Moses, but I know that she has this kind of relationship with God and I know that he knows her name. And this is where the deep sense of peace settles in for me. I don't have to worry that I can't be there for her. She doesn't need me like that anymore because she has infinitely more in her relationship with God. She knows how to seek him. She knows how to hear his voice. And she knows how to step out in blind faith. She knows because that is what we have taught her and she has been an excellent student. Sigh. Good feeling. Well, that was a nice 15 minute rest. Now back to the "Classroom of Life" with the younger student!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Ketchup
Wow! I can't believe it's been three months since I last blogged. I have really missed it. So why have I waited so long to blog again? I kept waiting because I didn't know where to draw the boundaries. Once we had Sasha home it seemed to become all about Sasha. But how much about Sasha is it okay for me to share online for the whole world to read? I struggled with this for a long time. My recent conclusion is that it's not about Sasha after all. It's really about me, and that doesn't just pertain to blogging.
After nearly 21 years of parenting I have come to realize that I basically have two choices when it comes to parenting. I can try really hard to control my children, or I can focus on staying in control of me. I can either focus most of my attention and energy on their behavior and choices, or I can take a deep breath and focus most of my attention on my reaction. I think I've spent most of my life as a mother convinced that God gave me these kids to raise and it is my responsibility to make sure that they turn out to be good people, good Christians, good citizens, good employees, good spouses and parents some day, blah blah blah... Sure, it's important that my kids learn to be all of those things, but what about me? Maybe, just maybe God is also using these kids to teach me something as well. And maybe, just maybe my kids learn infinitely more from watching me walk out what God is trying to teach me than I could ever have imagined.
Ketchup. Yes, ketchup is what really first turned the light bulb on for me. Let me explain. Sasha and I were traveling just the two of us to visit my parents. It is a 5 hour car trip. Please understand that even if we are driving 5 minutes to the Target store Sasha will ask "how many minutes?" So you can imagine the state of my patience 3 hours into our trip. She was hungry and we needed to make a restroom stop anyway, so I pulled into a McDonalds. Sasha decided on a cheeseburger, fries, and orange Fanta. I should have known better, I really should have, but patience worn thin I made a fatal error in judgement upon receiving our food order. You see, the clerk did not put any ketchup packets in our bag. Sasha saw that they had little white paper cups that you could squirt ketchup into at the drink dispenser. I know, I know- stupid. But looking at the long line of people still ordering it seemed harmless at the time and so- fatal error- I said yes. We get in the car and Sasha puts the paper cup of ketchup on the dash so she can buckle her seat belt. I, not noticing the paper cup on the dash, take off and the now airborn ketchup lands on Sasha's seat. My first thought was one of anger and frustration until, (by the grace of God before I said anything,) I looked at Sasha's face. There was fear in her eyes. I had only been her mother for about 12 weeks. She wasn't really sure what to expect. She was afraid.
So here's the deal. Should she have set the paper cup on the dash? At 14 years old should she have known better? Under normal circumstances, yes I suppose she should have known better. But who let her have the paper cup of ketchup in the first place? Me. I did it. And the reality is that Sasha has traveled very little in a car in her lifetime. You don't drive around in St Petersburg, Russia unless you absolutely have to. You take the subway. So what happened next?
Well, I closed my eyes for just a second and took a deep breath. I calmly got out of the car and walked around to her side, opened the door, and helped her wipe it up. She kept saying over and over, "Mama, I so sorry. Mama, so sorry." It really broke my heart. I told her it was just ketchup and that I love her more than I love a clean car. I also told her that she would have to help me clean the ketchup stain off of the seat later. Then we took off down the road and had a good talk about what you can and cannot eat in a moving car and why. (By the way, due to my bad judgement, it was a good refresher course for me as well.) She wanted to know why I didn't yell at her. Then she wanted to know why I have never yelled at her for anything. And that is when the light bulb really came on for me.
I for sure used to be a yeller. I wish I could go back and undo all of the yelling I did at Beth and Alex. I don't yell anymore, I haven't for a long time. I'm not really sure when God broke me of that, but I'm glad he did. Sasha and I talked about yelling and why I don't yell at her. She opened up and shared a huge portion of her past and hurt with me and we bonded on a whole new level that day. I still haven't cleaned that ketchup stain off of my seat. It just too good of a reminder for right now.
So yeah, I could have focused on her and how a 14 year old "should" know better. I could have given her a stern talking to. I could have even yelled at her. But I'm just guessing she learned a whole lot more from my calm reaction than she would have if I had exploded at her. So you see, it really is more about me. So I'll keep blogging- about me that is. :)
After nearly 21 years of parenting I have come to realize that I basically have two choices when it comes to parenting. I can try really hard to control my children, or I can focus on staying in control of me. I can either focus most of my attention and energy on their behavior and choices, or I can take a deep breath and focus most of my attention on my reaction. I think I've spent most of my life as a mother convinced that God gave me these kids to raise and it is my responsibility to make sure that they turn out to be good people, good Christians, good citizens, good employees, good spouses and parents some day, blah blah blah... Sure, it's important that my kids learn to be all of those things, but what about me? Maybe, just maybe God is also using these kids to teach me something as well. And maybe, just maybe my kids learn infinitely more from watching me walk out what God is trying to teach me than I could ever have imagined.
Ketchup. Yes, ketchup is what really first turned the light bulb on for me. Let me explain. Sasha and I were traveling just the two of us to visit my parents. It is a 5 hour car trip. Please understand that even if we are driving 5 minutes to the Target store Sasha will ask "how many minutes?" So you can imagine the state of my patience 3 hours into our trip. She was hungry and we needed to make a restroom stop anyway, so I pulled into a McDonalds. Sasha decided on a cheeseburger, fries, and orange Fanta. I should have known better, I really should have, but patience worn thin I made a fatal error in judgement upon receiving our food order. You see, the clerk did not put any ketchup packets in our bag. Sasha saw that they had little white paper cups that you could squirt ketchup into at the drink dispenser. I know, I know- stupid. But looking at the long line of people still ordering it seemed harmless at the time and so- fatal error- I said yes. We get in the car and Sasha puts the paper cup of ketchup on the dash so she can buckle her seat belt. I, not noticing the paper cup on the dash, take off and the now airborn ketchup lands on Sasha's seat. My first thought was one of anger and frustration until, (by the grace of God before I said anything,) I looked at Sasha's face. There was fear in her eyes. I had only been her mother for about 12 weeks. She wasn't really sure what to expect. She was afraid.
So here's the deal. Should she have set the paper cup on the dash? At 14 years old should she have known better? Under normal circumstances, yes I suppose she should have known better. But who let her have the paper cup of ketchup in the first place? Me. I did it. And the reality is that Sasha has traveled very little in a car in her lifetime. You don't drive around in St Petersburg, Russia unless you absolutely have to. You take the subway. So what happened next?
Well, I closed my eyes for just a second and took a deep breath. I calmly got out of the car and walked around to her side, opened the door, and helped her wipe it up. She kept saying over and over, "Mama, I so sorry. Mama, so sorry." It really broke my heart. I told her it was just ketchup and that I love her more than I love a clean car. I also told her that she would have to help me clean the ketchup stain off of the seat later. Then we took off down the road and had a good talk about what you can and cannot eat in a moving car and why. (By the way, due to my bad judgement, it was a good refresher course for me as well.) She wanted to know why I didn't yell at her. Then she wanted to know why I have never yelled at her for anything. And that is when the light bulb really came on for me.
I for sure used to be a yeller. I wish I could go back and undo all of the yelling I did at Beth and Alex. I don't yell anymore, I haven't for a long time. I'm not really sure when God broke me of that, but I'm glad he did. Sasha and I talked about yelling and why I don't yell at her. She opened up and shared a huge portion of her past and hurt with me and we bonded on a whole new level that day. I still haven't cleaned that ketchup stain off of my seat. It just too good of a reminder for right now.
So yeah, I could have focused on her and how a 14 year old "should" know better. I could have given her a stern talking to. I could have even yelled at her. But I'm just guessing she learned a whole lot more from my calm reaction than she would have if I had exploded at her. So you see, it really is more about me. So I'll keep blogging- about me that is. :)
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